November 23, 2014, 01:27:47 AM
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
« Dvorak's CAGE MATCHThe Tech SectionTech News / Commentary • : Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F*ck Up Every Time »
ThreadTools

Print


 (Read 980 times) [1]

  Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F*ck Up Every Time
« on: April 25, 2011, 07:22:04 PM » by KD Martin
Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F*ck Up Every Time
© 2011 John C. Dvorak Cage Match


Researchers say they currently have no answers as to how Collins could be so f*cking inept.

 
BALTIMOREóNeurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to f*ck everything up.

According to Dr. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Collins manages to drop the goddamn ball every single time, the 32-year-old sales associate represents a major conundrum for modern science.

In their attempt to study the brain mechanisms required to perform such simple tasks with so little competence, researchers were unable to use standard neuroimaging techniques, as Collins inadvertently destroyed the lab's $250,000 MRI machine by using a handheld video-game device during a routine cortical diagnostic.

"Our theory is that Erik approaches f*cking up unconsciously, his mind automatically creating a fractal model of screwing the pooch that is not unlike the infinite images contained within facing mirrors," Moore said.

Collins reportedly first came to the scientific community's attention late last year when, in a simple attempt to download pornography from the Internet, he somehow managed to crash a highly secure server in Fermilab's particle physics department.

Where this one man's massive clusterf*cks originate is still a mystery, but scientists have hypothesized that each individual f*ckup may compound itself exponentially, expanding in every conceivable direction until a given situation is no longer salvageable.

Moore admitted that it might be years before neurologists unravel the full workings of Collins' brain, due in large part to delays caused by their subject's inability to arrive at the facility without getting lost several times and having to repeatedly call for directions.



Probability dictates that even the biggest f*ckups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Erik.


« Last Edit: April 25, 2011, 07:53:03 PM by KD Martin »
Logged

   Click for Clear Sky Clock

  Re: Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F*ck Up Every Time
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2011, 05:51:50 AM » by seanb
Gee, I know a guy who works with him.......................

Logged

  Re: Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To F*ck Up Every Time
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2011, 01:44:20 PM » by Obtuser
 Sales Associate? Hmmm! Now which of the big box stores does not do a good job of interviewing and testing prospective employees? Not hard to figure that one out! [He is too young to be a front door greeter!]
I bet he is a real credit to his department!
Logged

What are you worrying for? You are not getting out of this life alive, dead don't hurt, getting there might, and in some cases, damn well should!
 Plus during and after the next Ice Age, all of this infrastructure around us won't matter squat!

 (Read 980 times) [1]
Jump to:  
UserTools

Home
Help
Search
Members List
Statistics
Login
Register



LatestNews

Read Dvorak Uncensored

Check the Tech Section for the Tech5,
Cranky Geeks and
No Agenda Webcasts.


About Us

Clear Sky Clock


ForumStats

45256 Posts
8709 Topics
1109 Members
Latest Member: Niestek

Powered by PHP
Powered by MySQL
Valid XHTML 1.0!
Valid CSS!



Powered by SMF 2.0.1 | SMF © 2001-2005, Lewis Media
Simplicity design by Bloc